I Had A Miscarriage
Submitted by Justine Bromley
I had a miscarriage!
I can’t even believe that those words are coming out of my mouth and onto this page. I am now in a club that I never wanted to be a part of. I thought miscarriages happened to older women or couples having fertility problems. I already have had a healthy pregnancy, yes it took us about five months to get pregnant but that wasn’t a sign of any fertility problem. My mom never had any miscarriages, so did this really just happen to me!
Friday, July 21st, 2017 – I marched right into my OBGYN’s office with a new-found excitement, we were going to have another baby! I had the biggest smile on my face when the nurse asked me “What are you here for today?” and I said, “I’m here to take my IUD out and ready to start trying for another baby.” My husband, Steve, and I had discussed getting pregnant again and he said he was on board whenever I was but we made a pack that I could take away the goalie anytime I wanted but to not tell him since the first time “trying” to get pregnant wasn’t as fun as we thought it would be. I was obsessed with ovulation sticks and he was stressed when I came to him saying it has to happen now! Anyways, walking out of that Doctors office that day I was ready to do this…literally!
Saturday, July 22nd, 2017 – Did it, wink wink ☺
Wednesday, Aug. 9th, 2017 – Second day feeling nauseous and throwing up at work. I REALLY thought I had the flu, there was not a thought in my mind that I was pregnant! We had cookies out at work and since I was starving from being sick I just wanted to have a little. I took one bite and thought it was disgusting and I said that it tasted like a silver spoon, my co-worker immediately said, maybe your pregnant and the lightbulb went on. I kept thinking there’s no WAY! I literally just took out my IUD and then I was thinking, shit have we even had sex recently to make a baby?! After work, I ran to Walgreens and picked up that box of pregnancy tests. Why is it that whenever I buy pregnancy tests I’m always hiding it and nervous of how the cashier is going to look at me! I’m almost 32 years old, married with a 2-year old already, I should think it’s perfectly normal to buy pregnancy tests! Anyways, I went to a girlfriend’s house for moral support and even then, I said there’s no way I’m pregnant but here it goes. As I pee on the stick my heart starts pumping and I’m getting excited. My stomach sinks as I start to ask who’s ever listening in my head, “Please let me be pregnant”! Sure, enough those TWO pink lines show up so clear…I’M PREGNANT!!!!!
I literally came out of the bathroom shaking and my friend knew, “OMG you’re pregnant”! I race home to figure out how to tell Steve the news. I decide I’ll let Crosby tell him the same way I surprised Steve with the first pregnancy. In our wedding vows, I said, “The best is yet to be”. I have this card with that quote on the front and I gave it to him with the pregnancy test in a box when I first got pregnant. This time I wrote on the card “*AGAIN” and taped it with the pregnancy test inside Crosby’s tin lunchbox and had Crosby bring it to him to open. He opened it and didn’t even understand what was going on, “Who, You, No, Really”! As I reassured him YES, we are pregnant, it happened so quick and no stressing about “trying” this time, I could see all the relief come off his face and pure joy and happy tears come over him. This is it we are going to be a family of FOUR!
Those Few Weeks: We told our families with a big brother t-shirt right away since I am not one to keep my own exciting secrets. I made a Pinterest board for Baby#2, thought about how we would announce it, gender reveal, and even felt a wave of sadness when looking at Crosby and knowing that he wasn’t going to be our only baby anymore. I immediately emailed my doctor for a first appointment and was just so so so HAPPY! I was so sick, throwing up and nauseous at night mostly, boobs hurt, some cramping, all normal and gladly welcomed since it was showing me that I really was in fact pregnant.
August 23rd, 2017 – I woke up in the morning for work, feeling a little more stomach cramping than normal but I just ignored it thinking that I forgot how this whole pregnancy thing feels again. I went to the bathroom at work and after wiping, there it was, blood on the toilet paper. I almost dropped it on the floor I was so shocked, NO this is not normal. I immediately started crying and freaking out. I told the girls at work what was going on and got on the phone with the doctor. 30 minutes later Steve picked me up from work and we rushed to the hospital. He was trying to ask me what I was feeling, how much blood I saw and I was trying to just forget that image and make myself feel nauseous and have my boobs hurt again because at this point those symptoms aren’t there anymore and I’m scared. As we were waiting for the Doctor, Steve was being the best husband and trying to take my mind off of things with lines from a video he watched where they showed the best lines from Steve Harvey’s “Family Feud” show, look it up it’s hilarious.
The time had come to go into the room. The Doctor told us that having some bleeding at that stage, 6 weeks, is still normal and we were going to do an ultrasound to check things out. I couldn’t look at the monitor so I just stared at the blank wall trying to stay still but shaking so bad in fear. Then I heard, “there’s the baby”! The Doctor went on, “there’s the pregnancy sack, there’s the baby, and the fetal pole, everything looks good as far as size, oh and look there’s a little heartbeat”. That flicker immediately sent Steve and me into a release of waterworks that probably alarmed the Doctor because we had been holding so much emotion inside. She gave us the ultrasound picture and said that the bleeding could just be from implantation and that was good news for me. (She did say that I still could miscarry because it was still early but honestly, I tuned that part out, we saw the heartbeat, that means the baby is fine.) The rest of the day I had some brown, dried blood, only when wiping after the bathroom, which the Doctor said would be normal after the implantation red blood. YES, we were having a baby!!!
August 24th, 2017 – Midnight, Steve’s sleeping, Crosby’s sleeping and I’m awake. In retrospect, this is probably the moment, I KNEW I was losing the baby. I felt no pregnancy symptoms anymore, my boobs felt normal now and no nausea, feelings that were so intense before and that I welcomed knowing that they meant I was pregnant. Lying in bed in the middle of the night all I felt were sharp stomach and back pains. I felt like I was getting my period but worse. I knew I should go to the bathroom to check but I just didn’t want to. I didn’t want it to be true. I didn’t want to see any more blood. I didn’t want to tell Steve what was going on. I finally got up and as I did I felt something fill up my underwear. I took a big breath and as my stomach sank I started to ask who’s ever listening in my head again, “Please let there be no blood”! Well, there was blood, a lot of bright red blood, on the toilet paper and on my underwear. I seriously could not believe this was happening! I felt like I was in shock at this point. We saw the heartbeat less than 24hours ago, everything had to still be ok, right. I’m googling, how much bleeding is normal, what’s a miscarriage, how does it feel. Not much out there besides medical facts that call it a spontaneous abortion, seriously WTF?! I didn’t sleep at all and when Steve opened his eyes he immediately started asking, How I’m feeling, Have I gone to the bathroom yet to see if there’s any more blood? As I tell him what is going on, I see that stress and worry come back on his face. I don’t know what to do so I go to work because being home means I only think about the situation in front of us.
As the day goes on there was blood on the toilet paper, in my underwear and I ended up needing to line it with a pad. I think I emailed my Doctor three times that morning with pictures asking if this was still normal (which I knew in my heart wasn’t but I didn’t want to give up yet). When the Doctor got back to me she told me to look out for blood clots coming out. On my next bathroom break there they were, blood clots! I went to my boss and showed her (she’s my second mom☺) and she looked at me and nodded, saying I don’t think that is normal, and I went home to tell Steve. There we were driving back to the Doctors 24 hours later to check on our baby again. The ultrasound comes up on the screen and this time, “I’m sorry but you are miscarrying, there’s your uterine lining coming out and there’s no baby”. That ultrasound image will forever be ingrained in my mind and as I looked over at Steve we both said nothing but had tears streaming down our face.
Walking out of the Doctors office I threw on my sunglasses and grabbed Steve’s hand. I had friends texting me and I had no idea what to text back. I just knew I couldn’t say the words “miscarriage” out loud. So, I just texted “I lost the baby”. I CRIED, I laid in bed, I felt so alone, I watched movies because it took me out of my own reality. I had my first glass of wine on Friday and that made me cry knowing that I could drink again because the glooming fact was I was NOT pregnant anymore!
My many thoughts included: What did I do? I shouldn’t have lifted that dresser. I should have rested more. I forgot to take my vitamins those two days. I was too stressed. I shouldn’t have told anyone, I jinxed it. – I was spiraling, I knew in my heart I did nothing wrong but I just wanted something to blame.
Things people said to me: You’ll be ok. It just wasn’t the right time. It was because it wasn’t a healthy pregnancy. At least you can drink again. You’ll get pregnant again. It happened for a reason. At least you were so early. Other people had it so much worse. It happens to everyone! -The Doctor told me how common miscarriages are and that 1 in 6 pregnancies usually end in a loss. I thought to myself I know TONS of women who have had children and I don’t feel like I know that many people that have had miscarriages. Is this fact true or do people not talk about their experiences? I get through most struggles in my life by talking to people and finding that others have had the same emotions that I have had.
Right Now – A month after the miscarriage: I feel OK. Not great and not so bad. I have a healthy 2-year-old crazy boy to run after so that helps me. I am noticing that EVERYONE is pregnant and that definitely makes me sad and honestly jealous. I’m trying to focus on projects at home, the blog and fun times with family and friends. But I still, every day, miss and think about that little heartbeat flicker I saw.
Thanks for listening and if you have had a miscarriage or are going through one know that you ARE NOT ALONE!
Read more from Ashley over at www.momsofthebae.com